How do you recover?

How do you recover from a scam? Understanding scams from a Feminist Perspective. Closure of Life After Scams. New Podcasts to listen to about how I experienced the scam and how I recovered.

I often get asked “ How do you (they mean “I”) recover (from a scam)?”

It raises the question, what is meant by ‘recovery?

Does ‘recovery’ mean:

  1. Understanding what has happened and why?
  2. Getting over being ‘in love’ with your scammer?
  3. Having ‘normal’ relationships again?
  4. Finding someone in the real world to love or be in relationship with?
  5. Dealing with the financial devastation?
  6. Finding a way to live with reduced financial expectations?
  7. Get lost funds back?
  8. Returning to normal relationships with friends and family?
  9. Being able to ‘get on with life’ and trust others and one-self?
  10. Come out from behind the shame and guilt about one’s part in the scam?

A friend who was experiencing grief over the death of a child said “You don’t get over it, you learn to live with it”. This is very much how I feel about recovering from being caught in a scam. But learning to live with it does not mean in any way being closed off about what has happened.  For me, going public about being scammed was the most impactful action about my recovery.  It means that I

  1. Acknowledged that I had made a mistake, and that making mistakes is OK, it is human.  I was able to forgive myself for getting caught in a scam, and for being out of rational control while in the scam
  2. Educated myself about scams, and educated others about scams by writing about this in my blog, and my book, and speaking out publically about my understanding of scams
  3. Regained my self respect every time I spoke up about being scammed, and was able to overcome being shut down and isolated from the shame of being scammed
  4. Sought to make a difference to others either to prevent them making the same mistake, or, by sharing my experience and understanding about what people feel after a scam, hoping they feel less alone
  5. Continually, when interacting with a scam victim, or talking to the public, put the responsibility back onto the perpetrators of scams.  Whatever my personal responsibility was it was minimal in the face of the individual fraudulent activity of scammers and organised crime in general.
  6. Highlight the power imbalance of scammers who train themselves to be skilled emotional manipulators by using proven scripts, lying and cheating without compunction against victims who open themselves to friendship and love from the goodness of their hearts.

Dr Cassandra Cross says, after much research into scams,

“People cope differently from this experience: some are angry, some are depressed, some talk of suicide, while others spend every waking hour trying to figure out how they were scammed and try to prevent it happening to others.”

Cassandra Cross, Lecturer in Criminology at QUT. Love Hurts: the costly reality of online romance fraud. The Conversation. 11 December 2014, .

I know I am the latter, but not everyone is this. Another quote, about grief, from Stephanie Ericsson, but really its about life!

Recovery is about learning how to live again. Which means:

  1. Owning your feelings
  2. Forgiving yourself
  3. Finding understanding and healing where you are intuitively drawn to it
  4. Living in the moment
  5. Finding ways to express yourself fully, creatively, and to others
  6. Not hiding

And all of this takes time.  I can say this fully 9 ½  years after being scammed. It is now time to be proud of what I have done.

Feminist Perspective

I mentioned above about the power imbalance in scams. 

My understanding of this was greatly enhanced by this recent opinion piece.

https://augustafreepress.com/amy-gdala-and-acacia-oudinot-to-fight-cyber-fraud-liberate-women/

This article takes a feminist perspective on scams, because of their greater impact on women.  In this country, at least from the statistics, there is not as great a difference in the numbers reporting scams or loosing money from scams as this article claims, however many of the arguments within this paper echo statements I have made myself.

“Love Fraud is a long-con technique that uses social media to find victims and social engineering to subdue them. Scientific research shows romantic love is as addictive as cocaine. Romance scammers leverage this susceptibility through a technique called “love bombing”, using constant, highly validating messaging to trigger an oxytocin dependency in the victim. This grooming process often takes months. Once a victim reaches what scammers refer to as the “ether state”, they’ve essentially been drugged into an emotional stupor that has key psychological side effects including high levels of trust, generosity and impaired judgment with financial decisions. The effect is so powerful that victims — who hail from all education and income levels –are often remotely controlled into draining their bank accounts and sending shocking amounts of their money to someone they’ve never met. Friends and family watch in horror, their interventions powerless over this complex, traumatizing scam.”

Reading this made me remember that after the scam I felt hyper-sexualised, awoken sexually, wanting more sex. Though I have resisted defining the state created in a scam as an addiction, similar to drug addiction, I can see, on reflection, that this hyper-sexualisation is exactly what is being talked about here as the ‘oxytocin dependency’. Maybe I was lucky that I was only in my scam a short time.  For those who were in their scam for longer periods, I can understand how it is even harder to step away from the emotional state that is created in a scam. I have seen this often in the victims I have spoken to, and the families that have contacted me about thier loved one caught irritrievably in a scam.

The use of women in particular, to launder money from other scams, often with the witting or unwitting collusion of financial institutions, is definitely worth raising as a feminist issue. Uniting around raising awareness of this would be one way to make the personal become political, and take steps towards recovery from scams.

Life After Scams Closure

Over a year ago I began the process of setting up a new organisation, Life After Scams as a charity to provide emotional help to victims.  After a grueling 2020 COVID-19 year, I have found myself with no energy to provide help in this area.  I am proclaiming myself and this work done.  I am stopping my public work as a scam victim advocate, and closing down the charity.

In the process I have had great acknowlegement about what I have contributed over the past years, and it is now time to claim this. Here’s one…

“Have just seen your email about closing Life After Scams. Sad that this is happening but completely understandable. I just wanted to drop you a note to say thank you for the immense contribution you’ve made to educating people about romance scams and supporting other victims. I am confident that a great deal of heartache and financial pain has been saved thanks to your efforts. I wish you every happiness in the future.

Very best wishes

Delia”

Delia Rickard Deputy Chair Australian Competition & Consumer Commission

Podcasts

Recent publication of two new podcasts end the year 2020 with the focus on scams within the context of relationships.  Listening to these highlight how I experienced the scam, how I made sense of it for myself, and how I recovered from being scammed.  Many thanks to Georgia Love and Tammi Faraday for these excellent podcasts.

Two new Podcasts published

Everyone Has an EX, Host: Georgia Love 

See my Media Page for a full description. Listen to the What’s Mine is Yours episode.

Brave Journeys, with Tammi Faraday

See my Media Page for a full description.

Open the links to get your favourite Podcast provider and listen to Jan Marshall – From Romance Scam Survivor to Warrior episode.

Claim remission of scammed funds from Western Union now!

Quick update…

Its Official!

I have received notification from both Stay Smart Online and ACORN that its now possible to claim for losses because of scams from Western Union, but claims MUST be in by 12 FEBRUARY 2018.

Department of Justice Seal

Western Union has entered into agreements with the US Justice Department and the Federal Trade Commission to make $586 million (USD) available to victims. You do not need to be a US citizen or resident to make a claim.

You will need to provide details and evidence of each transaction to the US Department of Justice (DoJ), and they say it may take some time to process, but at least we will be on the list.
The Department of Justice say, in their FAQs:

The amount you get will probably be a percentage of the amount you lost minus any refund you have already gotten.
Your payment will be based only on the amount of the money transfer. You cannot recover collateral expenses such as Western Union fees, incidental losses, or transfers sent through other companies.
It will still take some time—potentially a year or more—to process and verify petitions, and determine who is eligible to get a payment.

To access the remission forms, and access other information about this, go here.  Good Luck.  I will certainly be doing this.

PS: getting a notification from ACORN about this shows that it is useful to make reports to ACORN.

Intimacy as Psychological Manipulation

The building of a sense of intimacy is what makes us susceptible to the requests for money that come in a romance scam. At a certain point, this intimacy becomes overarching of our rational reasoning. I wanted to explore this concept more and how it works in scams.

See also my earlier blog on Taking the Brain, about the ‘tipping point’ of intimacy that a scammer aims for, where they know they have full control over their victim.

We have heard the warning “Don’t give money to someone you haven’t met!” And yet those of us who have been caught in a scam do give money.  Why?  Because despite not meeting them in person, we have conversed with them frequently and often, and a level of intimacy has been developed.  We therefore step over the warning, thinking it does not apply in our  specific circumstance.  “This could not be a scam”, we say to ourselves, because scams are not so intimate as I am experiencing. How has this level of intimacy been developed?  I know now this is a result of emotional manipulation….  what I found when I explored this was: Continue reading Intimacy as Psychological Manipulation

Variations on a theme – marriage scams

I have recently been contacted by two different people about variations on the theme of online dating.  Both are worth passing on, to show that Online Dating Fraud comes in many forms, and the unscrupulous will stop at nothing to make money from the vulnerable and unwary.

Fake Match-Making Sites

Marriage Scams
Marriage Scams

The first of these variations is of online dating sites that are set up to defraud the person joining the site, by charging them money to connect with potential partners, when the partners are not really available, but paid by the dating site to pretend to be available, to lure partners to stay on the site and pay money for the privilege of contact, and pretend to be able and available to marry. Continue reading Variations on a theme – marriage scams

Devastating financial consequences

The direct and most tangible consequence of being caught in a scam is loss of money.  Some people don’t realise they have been scammed until large amounts are gone, never to be returned.  For some, its smaller amounts.  Whether its small or large is not a measure of its impact.  I have seen people loose relatively small amounts, but given that they have small incomes and large outgoings, this has had a huge impact on them.

lost everything 1Regardless, the response to being under the spell of a scammer when they ‘take the brain is that we will go beyond reason to give money. Not only do we loan our carefully sequestered savings, we can also take on more debt, sell our hard earned assets, and steal, beg and borrow money from our families or other places. We will loan whatever we can get our hands on to the scammer.  We won’t know till later that this money will not come back. As we are defrauded, we condemn ourselves and our families to a different and poorer future.

It is beyond devastating when we realise that not only are we are not going to get the money back from the scammer, as promised, but that there is nothing anyone else can do to get it back either. That money is gone into the ether (a.k.a. the scammer’s pockets). In western society we expect to be able to make redress when things go wrong.  There are normally laws which say this is wrong, and the person can be apprehended, charged, found guilty and there may be possible restitution or support as victims of crime.  In the international and digital circumstances where most scams operate today, this is not possible.  Local or national law enforcement, wherever we are, do not have any jurisdiction in other countries.

I remember when it first happened to me, many friends and family said insistently, there must be someone who can do something, the police, the national police, a parliamentarian…. Whilst the law enforcement agencies are building relationships internationally in areas where scammers operate from, and this has had some effect on scammers being caught in those countries, this makes minimal overall impact on the amounts being defrauded by scammers. New scammers will quickly step into the spaces left.

But I wanted to talk more on the personal level about the financial consequences, and will go through this in phases, primarily based on my own experience.

Phase 1: Immediate survival

Private-loans-and-student-death-300x199When we finally realised we have been scammed, we may be, as I was, unable to survive the immediate period financially without additional help.  I had given away pay I had just received and had no way to pay bills and buy food for the following few weeks. I had to borrow from a friend to get through the ensuing weeks.  Not having been able to do this would have left me destitute and greatly damaged my future credit rating. Thank you friend!

Luckily I had a job, but those who are out of the workforce who have given all of their reserves and sold all of their assets are in more dire straits, having to rely on sometimes unsympathetic friend and family for help.  They may need help of every form, food, accommodation, bills. They need this help at the same time as dealing with the shock of the emotion loss of a loved one (the scammer) and the shock and shame of realising that money is not going to come back. Also this is a time of dealing with police, making reports to law enforcement agencies, trying to understand scams, and changing email and bank details.  It all takes time and effort and often has to be done outside of work hours. This phase, I suggest covers about a month.

Phase 2: Reduce outgoings

In the ensuing months, we will need to cancel any discretionary expenditure we may have had, when we had lifestyles and assets.  This may be magazine or web site subscriptions, gym subscriptions, find credit cards with 0% interest periods, get lower levels of health insurance, lower cost car insurance, etc.. In situations where we may have lost credit ratings, or be losing significant assets such as houses, it can involve substantial paring back.

In those first months I had to juggle which bills I would pay, knowing that as I had a well-paying job, I would be able to rectify any un-payed bill in the following month.  Creative cash flow accounting I call it.

Luckily I had a job, a place to live which I could continue to afford, and the semblance of my life on the outside continued as normal.  rationalisationI was able to rationalise my financial loss as equivalent to someone loosing money in and investment scheme gone bad, and there had been a lot of those during the global financial crisis.

Eventually I did have to move to lower cost rental accommodation. For many, they may not have work or suitable accommodation, and I cannot imagine what life is like for them.  I spoke to one lady who was sleeping in a chair at a relative’s place, having lost everything. For many who are older, there will be no opportunity to work again, to re-establish an asset base, and it can mean that already they have been reduced in a short time from able to manage financially to joining the ranks of the poorest in our society.  They may need to rely on family (sympathetic or not) or charities for support.

Its is important to get financial counselling appropriate to your own situation at this point. Financial laws are different in different countries regarding processes such as bankruptcy.

Phase 3: Managing longer term impacts

This will be an individual matter depending on each person’s circumstances.  For me, though initially I had a good job and was able to survive week to week, I had, when under the scammer’s spell, taken money from my superannuation/retirement fund that I was not allowed to do.  It took me 2 years of legal negotiation with the Australian Tax Office to find that I would be taxed at the highest rate on this money, leaving me with a tax bill of over AU$76,000 in addition to all that I had lost. It was a hard lesson that organisations such as these do not have any compassion for a person’s circumstances, even when there is, within the law, supposed ‘discretion’.

At about this point, I was also retrenched from my job.  Whilst I did receive a redundancy payment, over time I found I was not able to find another suitable job.  I put this down to my age of being 61 years old.  As a consequence, I found myself in extreme hardship, not being able to cover my outgoings with a meagre unemployment support, which in Australia we call Newstart.

TaxLimitationOnBusinessLossesThis meant I could have been out on the street, loosing my rental accommodation, if not for being able to get some hardship money from my superannuation/retirement fund. I have joined the ranks of the poor and possibly destitute.  I am sure this is similar to many that have fallen victim to the professional fraudsters that we know as scammers.

In summary, the loss of money from being defrauded by scammers may bring on periods of extreme adjustments in lifestyle. This may occur at the point of realisation, or later, but is likely to be significant, commensurate with the amounts of money lost. Full impacts may not be known initially, but may be revealed years later.  Whenever it is revealed, it is likely to be in a negative direction.

My thought and prayers go out to all who find themselves in this situation.

Beware the follow-on scam danger zone…

I had been warned there might be a follow-on or ‘secondary scam’, after my scam event in 2012, and had thought myself lucky that there had not been one.  Until last week.  It came via Skype.

Interpol
Request to add contact to Skype

How alluring the thought of getting my lost money back could be, if I let it.  The Skype contact request came with a photo of what I assumed to be an older official looking man.  Actually when I look again, it looks like someone in a bookshop or library, not official at all!  No doubt the ‘full statement’ would gather personal information which could be abused, either by ID theft, or they would ask me to pay fees to get the money back.  I know by now its all about getting  their hands on my money.

I know enough by now to check, so went to the Interpol website and found this, located in their FAQs.

“I have been contacted by someone claiming to work for INTERPOL. How can I check this is genuine?

Interpol LogoThe INTERPOL General Secretariat does not contact members of the public. If you have received an email from an individual claiming to work for INTERPOL, it should be considered fake.  Read more about email scams falsely using the INTERPOL name.”

As an aside, when I was scammed it was suggested by friends that I contact Interpol to find my scammer.  Officially, they say

“Am I the victim of online fraud?

There are many common frauds circulating over the Internet, including fraudulent lotteries, so-called ‘419’ scams, fake inheritance claims, online purchases scams, online dating and chat-room confidence tricks. If you believe you are the victim of one of the above, please contact your local or national police authorities.” [my emphasis]

But back to the story…  I did not accept the invitation to connect on Skype, and blocked the contact.

I am not talking about situations where the victim is blackmailed by a scammer who has taken a revealing webcam of them, such as in ‘sextortion’.  You can see more in my blog on this.  I am also not talking about when the scammer is confronted, and then admits to being a scammer, but declares that they have really fallen in love with the victim.  I am talking about money recovery scams when a supposed official contacts the victim, as they did me, saying they can help get money back.  I have heard stories of this being Senior Police, Ministers etc.  See this great description by Scamwarners.com,  who have some great sample emails used in this type of scam.

The WA Police  and Consumer Protection have been particularly active in the area of romance scams.  They say some secondary scam “Bogus stories have included:

  1. offers of scam compensation from law enforcement or government agencies even though no such scheme exists
  2. a supposed doctor calling to alert a fraud victim that the scammer had attempted suicide and needed medical bills paying or he would not survive;
  3. a woman contacting a fraud victim to explain she is the scammer’s wife and he beats her but she wants to leave and needs money to do so; and
  4. claims made to a fraud victim that the scammer is facing jail unless more money is sent.”

I find these stories so outlandish, but understand that they are designed to hook the victim in the same way the initial scam did. Here is a case study cited on Lifehacker by Cassandra Cross, one of our top Australian researchers on this topic,  of such a situation.

“CASE STUDY: A woman in her 50s was approached by a man in America. She developed a relationship with him, which included her talking and emailing his “daughter”. She lost $A30,000 before she realised it was a fraud and stopped sending money.

But she became a victim in a secondary scam, from bank officials in another country claiming her “husband” had opened an account in her name. She lost another $A30,000 trying to access these funds.

She reconnected with the original man, believing that they both may have been scammed by this banking official and that she might be able to continue her relationship with him. In the process, she has lost all her savings, her house, her job and it put immense strain on her relationships with family and friends.”

One thing I have heard about these secondary scams is that they can be very convincing, supposedly coming from people (government officials  or police) of very high status, and with convincing documentation.  They can even set up phone calls with these officials to further add to the realism of the scam/fraud scenario. It can become very confusing to tell reality from lie when the evidence seems so real.

There has been some research done on susceptibility of people to repeat scams, and that research, done for the UK Office of Fair Trading in 2009 showed that it was 10 – 20 percent of people who have been scammed.  That’s quite high.

Gene Fernando - The Complexity of Emotions
Gene Fernando – The Complexity of Emotions

Two things to say about all this:

  1. We need to acknowledge the complexity of our emotions and how easily we can be manipulated by ‘hope’ of something different, better, more, or situation remedied, especially in areas of love and money.  Hope has a lot to answer for.
  2. The level of sheer gall (and ingenuity) of the scammers to brashly keep trying to get our money, using any and every scenario they can and with near to real backup materials and manipulations, is astounding.

So the lesson is simple.  If you have been scammed, be hypersensitive to follow-on or secondary scams.  Especially be aware that these are likely to come from online connections, as mine did, via email, Skype or even LinkedIn.  They may purport to be officials of some sort. In reality, true organisations will never contact you this way. So beware.

 

Beyond the shame…

Following on from my last post The shame of being scammed, about some of the mechanisms of shame that operate around a romance scam and how debilitating this can be, in this post I will talk about how we get beyond the shame.  If we let ourselves be defined by this shame, to let this shame consume us, we are unconsciously colluding with our scammer(s) to be the victim that they have taken advantage of. This post is about what to do about the shame when it incapacitates us.

Brené Brown talks in her work about how to stop the 3 requirements which allow shame to exist and grow:  “Secrecy, Silence and Judgement. She elaborates on how shame is often something we feel as result of childhood conditioning and wounding, and her work with gender differences for shame is also illuminating. Our focus in this post however is on the shame of a specific incident – the being scammed.

Nicholas de Castella talks about the cost of shame, including the energy lost through hiding and cutting off from our feelings, which in turn cuts us off from others. “In the splitting off process we lose our sense of aliveness and our sense of connection to our essential being” he claims. This may leave us feeling like we are “being reduced in size or diminished”, and also leads to feelings of “being separate and distant from others.

I remember for the year or so after the scam how I would be reluctant to go out, except to family, and though I was talking to girlfriends, was unconsciously keeping it at a very surface level. I gave the impression of being very together and positive, whilst underneath I was feeling unworthy, shut down, and unable to be my confident self.  How could anyone respect or trust me when I did not respect or trust myself. Though I did not realise it at the time, this also impacted how I operated at work. I was definitely diminished, cut off, and not my full self, just as de Castella suggests I would be when in a state of shame.

loving ourself BBOnly when I had to defend myself and justify what had happened to the Australian Tax Office (ATO), did  I fully understand what had happened.  The ATO wanted to tax me at a high level (46.5%) because of money I had taken out of a Self Managed Super Fund against regulations. In writing to the ATO I come to terms with the fact that it was not just ‘unfortunate’ that I had been scammed, as they had labelled it, but that I had been deliberately targeted by professional and skilled fraudsters who had groomed and manipulated my emotions so I would compliantly part with my money.  It took a lot of researching of scamming to come to this realisation.

This fits with one of Brown’s four steps to deal with shame, which is to reality check the situation. One part of this when scammed is to truly understand that you have been defrauded, and the second part is to understand how deliberate an emotional manipulation this has been, and that it is not just a mistake that you have made.  The relationship that the scammer has promised you was not real, and never was.  From the outset the money they conned you into paying was never for the reasons they gave.  The promises to return your money were never going to be kept.  Though it may have seemed that you willingly gave money, your acquiescence was totally manipulated by their deliberate lies. The reality is that you were not at fault or to blame, in the same way that someone mugged is not to blame for the mugging, or someone who is raped is not to blame for that rape.

Understanding this also allowed me to have some compassion for myself, and for what I had done, and took away the self judgement and feeling of unworthiness. This in turn allowed me to talk with and reconnect more fully with others.   As I wrote the Objection to the ATO ruling about this, I also shared it with my girlfriends. As de Castella says:

Intimate Couple --- Image by © Royalty-Free/Corbis
Intimate Couple — Image by © Royalty-Free/Corbis

One of the ways to release the charge on a particular incident that we feel ashamed of is to find a safe, honouring, non-judgemental space where we can bring what we are hiding out. A space where we will be honoured: seen, heard, felt and allowed to explore how we are feeling about it.

Writing this objection to the ATO, even though it did not achieve an exemption from paying the tax, is the point at which I was able to shift from being a victim to being a survivor, and was able to fully acknowledge what had happened, and my true responsibility in it. It shifted the blame from me to the scammers, where it should reside.  I was no longer feeling the ‘un-wholeness’ that was identified as a symptom of shame in the last blog post.

As an aside, the tax bill felt like I was being ‘fined’ for being a victim and left me with tens of thousands of dollars of debt in additional to what I had already lost in the scam.

In sharing the draft of the objection to the ATO with those close to me, and getting their feedback on it, I was able to break the silence requirement for shame and fulfil another of Brown’s four steps – to reach out and share with someone you love and trust.  This also allowed them to have some empathy for what had happened.

brene-brown-quotes-15-600x411The third requirement for shame to exist is secrecy and the antidote to this is to speak out, to ‘speak shame’.  “Shame cannot survive being spoken”, Brown says.  This is the reason I have spoken to the press about my scam, why I write this blog, and why I started the Romance Scam Survivor Meetup in Melbourne. By becoming an Ambassador for ACORN, I have also been able to support the prevention message, and hopefully prevent others from having the same experience.  From doing these things I have been able to regain my self-respect, and rebuild my strength and self-confidence.

The forth activity to combat shame and build resilience in dealing with shame, whenever it occurs, is to understand what triggers the shame feelings in us.  Usually these are the legacies of our childhood, especially those common messages we receive at that time like “Don’t be seen”, “Don’t be heard”, etc.. The previous post talks about mechanisms which occur in scams. Understanding and awareness that our feelings are of shame enables us to not be caught in the judgement, silence and secrecy that maintains them, and instead to reality check the situation, share with friends about our feelings, and identify and speak out the shame that we are feeling (this does not have to be to the person who triggered the shame).

Having had my own baptism of fire experience with shame I find shame and how it operates within us fascinating.  There is much more that I have not included here. I highly recommend reading more of these authors. Both add different and additional dimensions to the understanding of Shame and how to go beyond the shame…

As with the last posts, the references are:

Brené Brown on Oprah Life Class The 3 things you can do to stop a shame spiral.  http://www.oprah.com/oprahs-lifeclass/Brene-Brown-on-the-3-Things-You-Can-Do-to-Stop-a-Shame-Spiral-Video 
Also in her books and TED talks.
The quote “Shame needs three things to grow out of control in our lives: secrecy, silence and judgement” comes from The gifts of imperfection.(p.40).
 The Anatomy of Shame by Nicholas de Castella http://www.eq.net.au/wp-content/themes/emotional/pdf's/AnatomyofShame.pdf Institute Of Heart Intelligence, www.eq.net.au

 

 

The power of speaking out

With this week being International Fraud Awareness Week there has been the release of a report on levels of fraud in the past year from the ACCC.  Romance scams account for most money lost in scams.  I have been called on for interviews for news articles and TV by a number of outlets, because of being an Ambassador for ACORN, and so declaring my willingness to speak out.

Speaking Up. Speaking Out.
Speaking Up. Speaking Out.

 

I know I have an interesting romance scam story – I was caught in a romance scam, gave away over $260,000 expecting it to be returned, and lost it all.  I noticed, however, as I was interviewed for TV, that I was happy and cheerful to be doing so.  Even the questions about “What did you feel at the time?” I answered with a smile on my face.  I have done this a few times now.

I know they come to me because there are not too many people willing to speak out about their experience.  It is hard to publicly acknowledge that I fell in love, and I was fooled by their lies.  People may think I am stupid, and I was.  It is a vulnerable place to be.

In speaking out, though, I own what I was responsible for.

  • I own that I wanted love, and to be loved.  That’s normal.
  • I own that I chose to follow my heart, in giving the money to the person I thought was my partner for life, rather than be ‘sensible’ or ‘reasonable’.
  • I own that I did not take heed of the warnings I was given, and stepped over the inconsistencies, thinking, no, feeling that I was ‘in love’ and that it could not be a scam with this level of intimacy.
  • I own that I made a mistake, and that this has made my finances precarious to say the least, now and into the future.

Many who suffer hardship turn around and fight for it to not happen to others.  The Morcombes, and Rosie Batty are the most high profile ones that come to mind, but there are many.  In speaking out, particularly with a message about prevention or recovery from scams, I am doing the same.  I am saying I will no longer be a victim of this singular event, I will make it have a powerful and ongoing meaning in my life, and through this, the lives of others.

Speaking up outIn speaking out I have regained my self-respect.  I am not hiding my mistake behind shame and embarrassment.  I proclaim that I am human, and that I can learn and grow from my mistake, and hopefully love again.

I have discovered a love of writing. As well as this blog I have written a book, though I am still looking for a publisher.

About scammers, I have learned

  • They are skilled professionals, manipulating us, twisting our love to defraud us of our money
  • It is not personal.  By this I mean that they do not care about us personally.  They are scamming many people at the same time, using the same photos and scripts/emails under different names, in teams.  They actively lie to us, never intending to follow through on their promises.

I say this here because it is important to know about scammers.  Without this it is too easy to say it is the victim’s fault, they were just stupid or naive.  No, the victim was deliberately targeted and defrauded. And they should not be stigmatised with shame for falling victim to this. It can happen to anyone.

So what is the prevention message, for International Fraud Awareness Week?

  • Be wary, and know how to check what’s true, i.e. do a Google photo search.
  • Never give money, or your bank details. Don’t think it is OK if you send money via banks: These are not safe institutions in the hands of scammers. Certainly do not send money via Western Union.  The money can be collected from anywhere in the world despite where you think you send it to. No-one else is going to protect your money.  I made over 20 separate transactions and was never asked by anyone if it could be a scam.
  • Rapid declarations of love are downright suspicious, especially when you have not met the person face-to-face, and no-matter  how beguiling they sound.  Scammers are very good at building up a sense of intimacy which makes you think it could not be a scam, but this is false.  Promises to come and meet and marry you are false, and will never be fulfilled.  Only communicate or date with someone who is local to your own area, that you can meet face-to-face.
  • Educate yourself about the various red flags which might indicate a scam, and if in doubt, treat it as if it is a scam.  Here’s a great example from the Scam Disruption Project.
  • Speak out and educate others about what you are finding….

If you do actively protect yourself in this way it is possible to meet the love of your life online. Many people do.

This is how I came to be a Romance Scam Survivor.  By powerfully speaking out.  I will continue to do so.

Why it is important to report romance scams?

In my last blog I mentioned ACORN, the Australian Cybercrime Online Reporting Network. In this one I wanted share why it is so important to report romance or dating scams to organisations such as this.

ACORN
Report Romance Scams to ACORN

As I said last time, ACORN is a national policing initiative that allows cybercrime victims to easily and instantly report cases of criminal activity online, as well as providing information on how to avoid falling victim to cyber criminals.

When I reported my scam experience, late in 2012, I reported to the local police station. I took all of my documents in, which they copied, they took my statement, and that was that. I was so embarrassed I can remember being very detached, giving a local constable the detail, but not showing any emotion. There was no sense they could do anything, and online research I did later indicated that it was unlikely that I would ever get anything back. I felt powerless to do anything about what had happened.  Friends suggested I contact other policing agencies but I was so ashamed of what had happened that I could not.

The one thing I know the local police did do was report the names used by my scammers to Western Union, so that they could be stopped if used again. Only the police could do that. I also heard that Western Union reported that the money I sent via them was collected in Nigeria. That was a surprise, as I had sent the money to Dubai.

We don’t always hear about it but the fact that ACORN is set up shows that the police are doing something, and police jurisdictions working together helps get results. For example, I know of one woman in Victoria was told by Police from Western Australia that she was being scammed, which they were able to do because they were watching the account to which she was sending money. They stopped her losing even more money. The ability to watch bank accounts, Western Union and other money transfer agencies that are being used by scammers, and share this information across jurisdictions is critical to early detection and prevention of romance scams.

Scams disruption project findings

Another example of police jurisdictions working together is the Scams disruption project started in August last year. This saw 1500 letters being sent to people across Australia identified as sending money overseas, warning them that it may be a potential scam. This project has a great page on how to identify romance scams. 60% of the transactions stopped. For the first time this clearly identified social media as a source of the initial contact, though dating sites still were the source of 74% of the relationship formed as a basis of the scam.  I wish this had happened two years before, perhaps stopped my scam happening, or at least getting so bad….

It was not easy to go into that police station and front up to the huge error I had made and the hundreds of thousands of dollars I had lost. Being able to report online will now make this easier, and hopefully mean that the event and the financial loss can be reported sooner, again enabling police to be engaged in prompt investigation and identification of perpetrators.

Orowo Jesse Omokoh, arrested for allegedly killing Jette Jacobs

Effectiveness, as gauged by stopping and arresting perpetrators, cannot be achieved by local justice agencies however, as mostly the perpetrators are overseas. The building of sufficient evidence and proof, however, to take to overseas police jurisdictions is critical. Unfortunately history says it takes a death to raise the profile enough for action to be taken, as in the case of the Western Australian woman Jette Jacobs who was killed in South Africa. They did arrest her killer, and in the process, the Australian Federal Police built good relationships with the Nigerian police.

I hear that scammers are now moving to Ghana, as there are no reciprocal policing arrangements or relationships there. I also hear that the proportion of scams targeting Australians is greater than elsewhere in the world. I wonder why, but could guess, based on my own experience, that it is because we have more difficulty determining what’s true or real in places that are more distant from us.

For myself, when my scammer said he had to pay taxes in Dubai that he had not allowed for, and that people came and threatened violence and to throw him in jail if he did not pay, I had no way of assessing if this was a likely and real scenario for Dubai. Unfortunately I assumed it was true, and gave money to help. Another scenario I have heard is of a scammer claiming to have an Italian background, and the woman who was targeted knowing that the accent did not hold true because she was familiar with Italy. She realised that it was a scam, and avoided losing money because of this.

But I am getting a little off track. Over $28 million was reported lost to romance scams in Australia last year, according to the Australian Competition and Consumer Commission (ACCC), who run the ScamWatch website. At least that is what we know about, and we only know about them because they were reported. I suspect that this is just the tip of the iceberg. We won’t really know the true amounts until more are reported. If we knew the true costs to our economy, this would put pressure on police jurisdictions, parliamentarians, and dating sites to do more.

The fourth reason to report the scam to ACORN and similar organisations is a psychological one. If we do not name it for ourselves, say what has happened, tell the truth, and instead retreat into shame and silence, we remain forever a victim of the scam. By telling the truth about what has happened, calling the scam the professional and criminal fraud that it is, we can step out from behind being a victim, take small steps to regain our self respect, and become a survivor. It is the first step to owning up to the fact that we have made a mistake, learning from it, and moving forward. I hope you take (or have taken) action and become a survivor. Its not too late to go ahead and report if you haven’t already. It will still add to the picture and understanding of what is happening here in Australia even if it was some time ago.

Just to be clear, The Australian Competition and Consumer Commission’s SCAMwatch website also takes reports of scams. If you have fallen victim to a scam, you should report the matter to the ACORN. Where a crime may not have occurred, but the matter involves a scam, this can be reported to SCAMwatch to help keep Australians informed about the latest range of scams in circulation. Information on online scams reported to the ACORN will be shared with the ACCC.

For overseas readers, to report Romance Scams:

In America, make a report to IC3 The Internet Crime Complaint Center (IC3) is a partnership between the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) and the National White Collar Crime Center (NW3C).

In the UK, National Fraud Authority (NFA): It seeks to coordinate existing counter fraud work across public, private and voluntary sectors.

In Canada, Canadian Anti Fraud Centre (CAFC): A call centre for victims of fraud across Canada.

ACORN Ambassador LogoBecause of my willingness to speak out on these issues I have been selected as an Ambassador for ACORN. I receive no financial compensation for this.