Romance Scam Survivor

How do you recover?

How do you recover from a scam? Understanding scams from a Feminist Perspective. Closure of Life After Scams. New Podcasts to listen to about how I experienced the scam and how I recovered.

I often get asked “ How do you (they mean “I”) recover (from a scam)?”

It raises the question, what is meant by ‘recovery’?

Does ‘recovery’ mean:

Understanding what has happened and why?
Getting over being ‘in love’ with your scammer?
Having ‘normal’ relationships again?
Finding someone in the real world to love or be in relationship with?
Dealing with the financial devastation?
Finding a way to live with reduced financial expectations?
Get lost funds back?
Returning to normal relationships with friends and family?
Being able to ‘get on with life’ and trust others and one-self?
Come out from behind the shame and guilt about one’s part in the scam?

A friend who was experiencing grief over the death of a child said “You don’t get over it, you learn to live with it”. This is very much how I feel about recovering from being caught in a scam. But learning to live with it does not mean in any way being closed off about what has happened. For me, going public about being scammed was the most impactful action about my recovery. It means that I

Acknowledged that I had made a mistake, and that making mistakes is OK, it is human. I was able to forgive myself for getting caught in a scam, and for being out of rational control while in the scam
Educated myself about scams, and educated others about scams by writing about this in my blog, and my book, and speaking out publically about my understanding of scams
Regained my self respect every time I spoke up about being scammed, and was able to overcome being shut down and isolated from the shame of being scammed
Sought to make a difference to others either to prevent them making the same mistake, or, by sharing my experience and understanding about what people feel after a scam, hoping they feel less alone
Continually, when interacting with a scam victim, or talking to the public, put the responsibility back onto the perpetrators of scams. Whatever my personal responsibility was it was minimal in the face of the individual fraudulent activity of scammers and organised crime in general.
Highlight the power imbalance of scammers who train themselves to be skilled emotional manipulators by using proven scripts, lying and cheating without compunction against victims who open themselves to friendship and love from the goodness of their hearts.

Dr Cassandra Cross says, after much research into scams,

“People cope differently from this experience: some are angry, some are depressed, some talk of suicide, while others spend every waking hour trying to figure out how they were scammed and try to prevent it happening to others.”

Cassandra Cross, Lecturer in Criminology at QUT. Love Hurts: the costly reality of online romance fraud. The Conversation. 11 December 2014, .

I know I am the latter, but not everyone is this. Another quote, about grief, from Stephanie Ericsson, but really its about life!

Recovery is about learning how to live again. Which means:

Owning your feelings
Forgiving yourself
Finding understanding and healing where you are intuitively drawn to it
Living in the moment
Finding ways to express yourself fully, creatively, and to others
Not hiding

And all of this takes time. I can say this fully 9 ½ years after being scammed. It is now time to be proud of what I have done.

Feminist Perspective

I mentioned above about the power imbalance in scams.

My understanding of this was greatly enhanced by this recent opinion piece.

https://augustafreepress.com/amy-gdala-and-acacia-oudinot-to-fight-cyber-fraud-liberate-women/

This article takes a feminist perspective on scams, because of their greater impact on women. In this country, at least from the statistics, there is not as great a difference in the numbers reporting scams or loosing money from scams as this article claims, however many of the arguments within this paper echo statements I have made myself.

“Love Fraud is a long-con technique that uses social media to find victims and social engineering to subdue them. Scientific research shows romantic love is as addictive as cocaine. Romance scammers leverage this susceptibility through a technique called “love bombing”, using constant, highly validating messaging to trigger an oxytocin dependency in the victim. This grooming process often takes months. Once a victim reaches what scammers refer to as the “ether state”, they’ve essentially been drugged into an emotional stupor that has key psychological side effects including high levels of trust, generosity and impaired judgment with financial decisions. The effect is so powerful that victims — who hail from all education and income levels –are often remotely controlled into draining their bank accounts and sending shocking amounts of their money to someone they’ve never met. Friends and family watch in horror, their interventions powerless over this complex, traumatizing scam.”

Reading this made me remember that after the scam I felt hyper-sexualised, awoken sexually, wanting more sex. Though I have resisted defining the state created in a scam as an addiction, similar to drug addiction, I can see, on reflection, that this hyper-sexualisation is exactly what is being talked about here as the ‘oxytocin dependency’. Maybe I was lucky that I was only in my scam a short time. For those who were in their scam for longer periods, I can understand how it is even harder to step away from the emotional state that is created in a scam. I have seen this often in the victims I have spoken to, and the families that have contacted me about thier loved one caught irritrievably in a scam.

The use of women in particular, to launder money from other scams, often with the witting or unwitting collusion of financial institutions, is definitely worth raising as a feminist issue. Uniting around raising awareness of this would be one way to make the personal become political, and take steps towards recovery from scams.

Life After Scams Closure

Over a year ago I began the process of setting up a new organisation, Life After Scams as a charity to provide emotional help to victims. After a grueling 2020 COVID-19 year, I have found myself with no energy to provide help in this area. I am proclaiming myself and this work done. I am stopping my public work as a scam victim advocate, and closing down the charity.

In the process I have had great acknowlegement about what I have contributed over the past years, and it is now time to claim this. Here’s one…

“Have just seen your email about closing Life After Scams. Sad that this is happening but completely understandable. I just wanted to drop you a note to say thank you for the immense contribution you’ve made to educating people about romance scams and supporting other victims. I am confident that a great deal of heartache and financial pain has been saved thanks to your efforts. I wish you every happiness in the future.
Very best wishes
Delia”

Delia Rickard Deputy Chair Australian Competition & Consumer Commission

Podcasts

Recent publication of two new podcasts end the year 2020 with the focus on scams within the context of relationships. Listening to these highlight how I experienced the scam, how I made sense of it for myself, and how I recovered from being scammed. Many thanks to Georgia Love and Tammi Faraday for these excellent podcasts.

Two new Podcasts published

Everyone Has an EX, Host: Georgia Love

See my Media Page for a full description. Listen to the What’s Mine is Yours episode.

Brave Journeys, with Tammi Faraday

See my Media Page for a full description.

Open the links to get your favourite Podcast provider and listen to Jan Marshall – From Romance Scam Survivor to Warrior episode.

Scammers are the ultimate opportunists

Did you see the recent news from the ACCC that scammers are using games such as Words with Friends and Scrabble to make contact with their victims and develop relationships for romance scams? I did, and I’ve also had reports of scam contacts being made via Language Learning classes, and via LinkedIn. From my experience, in just about any organisation requiring membership, the member can be vulnerable to scammer contact. They set up a fake profile and/or membership and join in activities of that group, and make what seems to be a friently, if unsolicited contact asking to chat…

The Media Release identifies that romance scammers have moved beyond online dating sites to Facebook and Instagram and now include these popular game sites.

Scammers will still use their old contact mechanisms, but as prevention messages grow in volume, potential victims are more likely to be sceptical and avoid the common pitfalls when they are easily identifiable. Unfortunately, warnings are not yet covering the need to avoid unsolicited contacts on these gaming sites.

Scam money goes to organised crime

We knew it, right? Scam money goes to international organised crime syndicates. Well, to be truthful, that’s what we suspected, but did not have enough information as a lay-people to really know it for sure. Now we do, after a lengthy expose on Australian ABC’s 4 Corners program called Meet the Scammers, Mon 11 Feb 2019, by journalist Sean Rubinsztein-Dunlop.

As well as information about the network behind an organised crime king-pin arrested in Canada in 2014, the program talks in depth to some ‘game boys’, some “entry level criminals” in Ghana, according to a Ghanaian police official about how and why they scam.

What is interesting about these ‘café boys’ is the ease with which they talk about their ‘business’ of scamming and how they justify scamming as a legitimate way to make a living and get ahead. They also refer to the colonisation of West Africa that took place in their great-great grandfather’s time, and how taking money from westerners is payback for this.

Professor Monica Whitty, now at Melbourne University, describes scammers as “masters of manipulation” and the reporter shows sites which enable emerging scammers to learn the trade by buying proven scripts, getting documents or images photoshopped, acquiring bank accounts, getting help from those who have already proven it works. This seeking for ‘best practice’ is mentioned several times, and seems to happen at the lowest and highest levels for everyone’s mutual benefit. That’s everyone in the scamming business, not their ‘clients’ [ie, victims].

Identity theft and the setting up of fake online profiles based on stolen photos is the basis of these scams. Even gender is not sacrosanct, with these young black ‘game boys’ portraying themselves as both men and women, and talking openly about online sex with both men and women ‘clients’.

One scary point the expose reveals is how romance scams are easily and often linked to money laundering and drug mules, showing several victims of these. This is where organised crime really comes into play, and a case with a criminal based at Villawood detention centre in 2014 is depicted. The more recent arrests at Villawood Detention Centre, (see also my previous blog on this) was also mentioned.

Scamming, according to Deputy Commissioner Neil Gaughan of the Australian Federal Police is happening on an “industrial… global scale”, and figures of $12 Billion over 5 years was cited by an American commentator. That’s US Dollars! Everyone knows though that this is only the tip of the iceberg.

On the plus side is the fact that some arrests have happened, that finally the police internationally are seeing how big this is and how widely it is connected and are finally beginning to doing something about it.

As usual the devastation for victims is talked about, but nothing mentioned about the support scam victims need after the event.

One of the people profiled in the program is Colonel Bryan Denny (Ret.), who’s photo has been used on social media and dating sites for years. He, together with Kathy Waters, who’s mother was a scam victim and have set up a support group http://www.advocatingforu.com/ and are seeking to change the 230 Communications Decency Act of 1996 to better combat identity theft in America. To support them, sign their petition here.

Well done to victims Chyrel Muzic and Peter Strand for also talking out about their scam stories. We need more victims to speak out.

Congratualtions Sean Rubinsztein-Dunlop on a great program.

Shame shapes how we relate during holidays

For those of us who have experienced scams, and the shame that comes with this, holiday periods with family and friends can be very difficult.

For myself, at times like this when I am in a social situation, even with family, it is easy to just sit in the corner and not communicate and connect with others. This is because underneath it all, I feel broken, unworthy, unlovable. I think I am not worthy of being a friend to anyone, so I am likely to be stand-offish and not initiate any conversations or connections. Others may find me as reserved, and interpret that as me thinking I am superior. Underneath it all, how can I trust others to like me or be real with me when inside I do not trust myself, or like myself for what I have done.

This is how shame operates, by isolating us and shutting us down.
We think we avoid pain, embarrassment, and blame by keeping what has happened to us a secret. Unfortunately we cannot only keep this one thing secret. It leaches into other parts of us, making it difficult to share other parts of ourselves as well. The end result is to further isolate us into ourselves and prevent the development of supportive and intimate friendships/relationships.

The one thing that I found was an antidote to shame was when I began to speak out publicly about the scam I experienced. When I decided to speak out I was able to say to myself “I have made a mistake, and to make mistakes is human. We are allowed to make mistakes and to learn from them.” It meant I was vulnerable, sharing my ‘mistake’ with the world letting everyone know I was not the perfect person I might wish others to see me as. But it was only a mistake. This gave me the strength to face up to what had happened. Each time I spoke out I gained strength, I regained my self-respect, because I was being true to myself and what had happened. There is nothing wrong with making mistakes in life.

“People cope differently from this experience: some are angry, some are depressed, some talk of suicide, while others spend every waking hour trying to figure out how they were scammed and try to prevent it happening to others.”
Love Hurts: the costly reality of online romance fraud,
The Conversation 11 December 2014

The mistake I own up to was that I did not see the lies being told by the scammer., I believed him. Research shows that 60% of the time, people cannot detect lies, so really, I was with a lot of others in the human pool! Soit raises the question, why do we feel so much shame from this one mistake, when it can happen to so many of us?

When we are scammed we think it is just us and the scammer, in our ‘special’ relationship and we believe them. The truth is it is not a one-on-one situation. Scammers often have a team of people beside them. You might meet other team members as the scammer’s child, friend, lawyer or other official, or a nurse or doctor after a car crash. You might not realise that the person you speak to on the phone or web is not the same person who is texting you or emailing you.

one fish swimming in the opposite direction of a troupe of fishes

It is really a one against many situation, and yet we are so ashamed that we did not see it. How could we? It should not be shameful to not realise we a dealing with a business behemoth, that the power differential is gigantic. One caring, loving and naïve person against a team of skilled and deliberate fraudsters. We got caught by their lies and in their manipulations, and gave our money. If we had been rational, we would not have done this. Yet ‘society’, many people who do not know the truth of what happens, blame us, the victim, for not suspecting the lies, for not being able to stay rational in the face of skilled and deliberate emotional manipulation.

The victim blaming must stop. It does not respect the truth of what happens in scams and damages and traumatises people with shame. It is more an indication that people want to separate themselves from the possibility that they could also be caught in a scam and make out it could/would not happen to them. It is a defence mechanism by those yet to be caught in scams.

Trivialising scam victims by assuming they are just lonely old women or men is another way scams are misrepresented. Anyone can get caught in them…

In our holiday social gatherings there should be space to be real with each other, admit our mistakes, and still be loved for the unique individuals that we are. But despite the supposed good wishes of the season we are not there yet for romance scam victims.

I encourage all victims feeling shame to find someone they can trust to tell of their mistake. Tell them about what you have learn from this blog, that there is more to scams than they think. This can build understanding of how scams really work, and maybe by this time next year things will be improved.

Best wishes of the season, and wishing you strength, honesty and healing in the year ahead.

Scam syndicate arrested in Villawood Detention Centre

On Friday 14th September it was reported that some scammers who were living in Villawood Detention Centre had been arrested.
Seven people, male and females have been arrested for Identity Fraud, Romance Scams, business email scams and fraudulent sale of goods, with income from the frauds of over AUS$3m. All 7 people arrested are either Nigerian or Nigerian dual nationals.
The money has been sent on to Nigeria and is unlikely to be recovered. The press coverage has sensationalised the fact that these people had over 16 mobile phones and additional SIM cards between them, whilst living in a Detention Centre.

A number of observations can be made:

1. It is great to see some local arrests for these scams, as scams are mostly instigated from overseas and the police do not have jurisdiction to address the criminal nature of the fraud. These arrests mean that some of the reports from victims that are being made to sites like ACORN and Scamwatch are being followed up on. This is the first real evidence we have seen that police are taking reports seriously and checking them out, and often victims say that they feel their reports are useless and seem to fall into a black hole. Unfortunately, we are still not able to see many police actions where the perpetrators reside overseas.

The alleged leader of the scam ring was arrested at Villawood Detention Centre. Supplied: NSW Police to ABC

2. Even though the arrests are within Australia, these are Nigerian people. I know that scams that are being run out of Malaysia often also involve Nigerians. I do not want to disparage all Nigerians – there are ‘baddies’ in every culture – but I am very wary of the Nigerian diaspora, the spread of Nigerians with criminal intent into different countries, and the ability of these people to then use the scam skills they may have learned back home in Nigeria to continue to target ways to make easy money from vulnerable others. These arrests show that this is happening.

3. Over the years of talking to victims, a number have said to me that the phones being used to call them have had accounts within Australia. I had no way to understand this, and had been skeptical of their assertions. I thought it was just the ability to buy phone numbers anywhere in the world. I admit I was wrong. These arrests show that it is quite possible that local phone numbers and connections were used by scammers who are within Australia, maybe even this group of 7 that have been arrested.

4. These arrests confirm that these scams are being undertaken by a team of people, a syndicate. It is not just one lone scammer who has targeted a vulnerable person, but it is deliberate criminal behavior by a team of perpetrators targeting multiple individuals and business victims.

5. The scammers only had phones, though 16 of them. It shows how much can be done with the smallest of devices. I would also say that it shows a high level of sophistication, particularly with the ability to “spoof” emails to make fake requests for fund transfer look legitimate to businesses. No wonder the subsequent news/media reports are highlighting the need for businesses to have a two-step verification of any changes to fund transfer details.

6. I have commented on the increasing IT sophistication of scammers, and mentioned hacking in my previous posts. Though we don’t know the full details of this case, the fact that the scammers can ‘spoof’ emails, and steal identities shows that the IT skills they are using are at the highest level. Police skills are needed to match this level of activity and counter any other local scammers.

7. Though my focus has been predominately on romance scams, the fact that this team was engaged in Identity Fraud, Romance Scams, business email scams and sale of goods shows that scammers are diversified in their approach and their capability. Dr Cassandra Cross has highlighted in her articles that scammers can tailor the scam to the victim, and can sometimes change the nature of the scam within a scam. She reminds us that to try and create scam warning messages based on single scam story-lines will be ineffectual and that we need more concise messaging such as to not to send money under any circumstances.

8. Again we are reminded that these people will use whatever techniques work to manipulate people into parting with their money. What they are doing is unconscionable, involves lying and psychological manipulation as well as being criminal fraud.

I look forward to reading more about this case as it unfolds.

Fake Friends, Liars and Gumtree scams

A number of interesting articles/pieces came my way recently, especially the piece on the number of fake Facebook accounts being found. Even when they are removed from Facebook, they are replaced by others… I also watched a TED talk on how to spot liars, get quoted in an article about Gumtree scams, add a warning about phishing and about scam promises to get your money back.

Fake friends

Recently journalists at the ABC (Australian Broadcasting Commission), our national TV and Radio network, broke a story about hundreds of fake Facebook accounts linked to ‘Texas’, a town of 900 people in Queensland, Australia.

Of the 500 fake accounts they identified, they identified 448 of these as having suspicious signals. Similar anomalous accounts can also be found for our towns of “Miami (Queensland), Virginia (Queensland) and Toronto (New South Wales).” They think it is because scammers are trying to use North American locations, but the Australian city links come up first. It’s a case of mistaken location: Continue reading Fake Friends, Liars and Gumtree scams

NZ Resident Research Request

Are you a victim of a romance scam and a New Zealand resident? The University of Auckland is looking for you.

They are undertaking research on: Where to Turn for Support? The Impact of Online Romance Fraud on Relationships Between Victims and Kin.
Researcher: Christopher C McCormick, Supervisor: Vivienne Elizabeth

Not enough is known about support for victims after scams have been perpetrated. Please sign up if you are a New Zealand resident or a family member of a NZ scam victim.

Please pass this on to anyone who might be in this category. Continue reading NZ Resident Research Request

Victim stories as a prevention strategy

I woke up with an insight the other night. I was part of a group brainstorming with Consumer Affairs Victoria. They want to do something about romance scams and were looking at intervention points. The insight I had is that one of the biggest resources for prevention messages is scam victims, yet it is virtually untapped. I’ve been saying for some time that more needs to be done for romance scam victims. There is currently very little done for or with them. Yet they have great stories to tell.

They are encouraged to report their scam to ScamWatch or ACORN, and they might get an automated response back with no identifying name, but to the victim, there is very little indication of anything else happening. They are left alone to deal with the grief, the shame, and the often devastating financial circumstances. They suffer through depression, low self esteem, lack of self worth, as well as sometimes suicidal thoughts and actions. I know this from personal experience, and from the many contacts I have with victims who tell me this, saying they are still in this state even many years after they have been scammed. Continue reading Victim stories as a prevention strategy

A stolen photo mystery

Yesterday I received an email from a person on my mailing list with a message saying they had found my photo in a scammers profile. Oh what joy! My picture on a scam site under the name of Elizabeth Edwin.

(See Updates for this mystery at the bottom of this post)

This notification led me on a voyage of discovery as I followed the mystery down a number of paths.

Firstly I contacted the site for female fake profiles – https://www.stop-scammers.com/ to let them know that the photo was of me. It was a photo taken of me by the Herald Sun in July 2015 that I also use on my Media Presence page. I received an automated email back, but it will be interesting to see what they say about this. Names of the real people behind the photos is not divulged on the site that I could see. This site has thousands of stolen photos and fake profiles with other supporting information about scammer activity. I only used the free service, which is a bit limited, but it looks like a comprehensive site. Continue reading A stolen photo mystery

Susceptible to scams? 66 percent are..

Whenever I speak publicly about being scammed there is often either an innuendo or a direct attribution that because I have been lonely I am likely to be vulnerable to a scam. For ‘lonely’ translate to ‘faulty individual’. Thus the formula follows, in their minds: I am not lonely, therefore I am not ‘scam-able’. I reject the formula, but more on that later. Now there is research which has looked specifically at susceptibility to cybercrime. Low and behold “In total, 60% of the population surveyed presented as being in the higher risk categories for susceptibility to cybercrime.”[i] So, for a great many people, it could happen to them.

Undertaken by Lee Hadlinton and Sally Chivers, and published in Policing: A Journal of Policy and Practice[i], this research looks at susceptibility to cybercrime levels through the lenses of information security awareness, trait impulsivity, and cross references these with age and employment factors. Continue reading Susceptible to scams? 66 percent are..